rheumatoid arthritis

rheumatoid arthritis- to me it means fear. my father died from complications. his got so bad that the nodules starting forming on his organs. the medicine that was supposed to help caused him to develop pneumonia, and then his lung would collapse so they would have to stick a tube in him. the hole wouldn't heal, his lungs wouldn't heal. he died when we turned the ventilator off. it was horrible.. i was 8 and a half months pregnant. my son was 15 months, my yougest brother was 21 months, my oldest brother was 35 and my sister was 9. i miss him, miss him very much. i am trying to type this out and i know it doesn't make much sense. 4 and a half years later i still get very upset.

there are times i want to talk to him and then i have to tell myself i can't. i have not said good bye and i don't think that day will ever come. i can't go to his or anyones grave. i just can't . i know other people have this problem and i am sure they can understand me on this. even now while i try to type this i am crying.

what i really fear is that i may have it. my joints hurt. i am 30 and i feel like i am 80. i can't kneel - it is too hard to get up, and it is getting harder. my wrists have no strength and can not bear much weight at all. i have to take breaks when i knit or crochet because the joints in my fingers hurt. then there are the bump. i developed one on my left wrist. when i bend it i hurts and a bump that has gotten bigger shows. now there is one on my right wrist.

i am scared.

ta-da i am blogging

ok. my first blog. my hubby has been telling me to set one up for awhile. he is the best very supportive and my biggest cheerleader. i love him to death. anyway here i am. now the problem is what to write about. hmmmm...... well i just turned the big 30, i have 3 kids (four if you include my hubby) and i live on long island (or what i like to call "this god-forsaken island) no offense to long islanders who read this, it is just that i am from upstate and i really do not fit in here. so part of it is that i am a long distance from my family and i miss them dearly, so that a big strike even brfore i moved here.

i knit. most people would say obsessed but i don't have a problem with that. i love it. my mom taught me how to knit and crochet (along with needlepoint and cross stitch) when i was five. it was so i would leave her alone. i have adhd. and that is how i deal with it. it is a lot better then meds but i don't think it is cheaper.

i also play video games. right now i am playing god of war 2, socom:combined assault, and super paper mario on the wii.

so there is a little info about me. so there you have it my first blog entry. yipee!!