Sunday, April 29, 2007

rheumatoid arthritis

rheumatoid arthritis- to me it means fear. my father died from complications. his got so bad that the nodules starting forming on his organs. the medicine that was supposed to help caused him to develop pneumonia, and then his lung would collapse so they would have to stick a tube in him. the hole wouldn't heal, his lungs wouldn't heal. he died when we turned the ventilator off. it was horrible.. i was 8 and a half months pregnant. my son was 15 months, my yougest brother was 21 months, my oldest brother was 35 and my sister was 9. i miss him, miss him very much. i am trying to type this out and i know it doesn't make much sense. 4 and a half years later i still get very upset.

there are times i want to talk to him and then i have to tell myself i can't. i have not said good bye and i don't think that day will ever come. i can't go to his or anyones grave. i just can't . i know other people have this problem and i am sure they can understand me on this. even now while i try to type this i am crying.

what i really fear is that i may have it. my joints hurt. i am 30 and i feel like i am 80. i can't kneel - it is too hard to get up, and it is getting harder. my wrists have no strength and can not bear much weight at all. i have to take breaks when i knit or crochet because the joints in my fingers hurt. then there are the bump. i developed one on my left wrist. when i bend it i hurts and a bump that has gotten bigger shows. now there is one on my right wrist.

i am scared.

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