Monday, June 4, 2007

welcome to hell : )

well it is offical. as of may 16th i have RA. i don't want this. at first i was ok and i was. as i told my family i really believed it when i told them. i am ok with this at least i know i have something and it can be treated. granted it is a lifelong thing and i watched my father die slowly and painful death, i was ok. 2 weeks later i am not ok. i hurt and that is putting mildly. i am on pridnisone for right know and the pain has broken thru. i do not want to go up in doseage because pridnisone is a nasty drug. even my husband doesn't want me on it. tomarrow i go back to the doctors to find out where i am exactly in the progression. that is all good but right know i hurt. and i can't take anything else for the pain.
it got to the point tonight while i was making dinner that i just couldn't take it and i broke down. i am really good with pain but it has been constant and i mean constant no relief and that just wears me down.i do not know how my father did this. 5 years of pain.
when the pain is bad everything looks bad. i wonder about my kids. will i be around to watch them grow up? will i see my grandchildren? what kind of life will i have? will i be able to work? or will i be a burden? then it gets into what will my kids remember about me? always being in pain and miserable? or a loving mom that wanted the best for them? and then the most horrible question of them all- will any or all of them get this too?
i know that this is no way to think and i try not to, it is just hard not to sometimes. when i get like this i need to go knit, which is what i am going to do right now.

No comments: